I Took Lulu Out

Today I set out to make my girlfriend the happiest she could be seeing as she's obsessed with all these stupid holidays. I don't honestly fucking get it. Why would you invest that fucking much in a thing created by a human whose sole intention was to hurt everyone but themselves? Anyway, I digress. I saw her in her true essence today. All that sparkly beauty I was used to being part and parcel of her, apparently wasn't a permanent fixture. But guess what, I fucking loved it. Help me understand why I can't have it all the fucking time. Beauty they call it. It's worth the work they say. I can already see the endless possibilities of things she and I could do. Pillow fighting on the sofa, having deep "conversations" in the shower... I mean, why would I not want that? Today- today I had that. I did. There she was, walking out of the house in all her glory, wings in hand looking beautiful as ever. She strutted my way and all I could think about was- was... I couldn't think. My mind was impeded.

I got to carry her wings for the very first time. This was finally it, I was doing it. She stopped being self-conscious about it. I wasn't pushing my luck. This was bigger than the time she farted right in my face as I lifted her to get the hot sauce off the top shelf. Mind you that was her first time. EVER. But this was bigger, way bigger. I was fighting serious tears here. Someone was chopping onions around me, I was constantly stubbing my pinkie toe on the corner of the couch, two cats were dangling off of my hair, scalding hot porridge was slowly, majestically waltzing down my throat. She needed no more time. I had earned it, her trust. I couldn't help it. I gave way to tears and said my eyes were reacting to- to- to- to a scent, I caught a whiff of. She knew me and my stupid allergies.

You could see it in her eyes. The joy, the sparkle, the uninstigated relief she could finally be her one, true self. I was going to do anything to keep this a sight for my sore eyes. I couldn't stop taking photos of her. She loved it. She felt free. She was free. I was with joy and joy was with me. She told me the story about her struggle with her imbalanced leg. She never spoke about her imbalanced leg. I never asked about it. I didn't let her use it to get out of anything. To me, she was, is normal. Do you just want me to keep sniffing onions world? Do you now? What's your fucking intention with my red eyes world?

We got in the car. She opened the door. Oh- my- word she opened the fucking door. Is this a proposal? Because if it is I'm yours and you know it. What had I done to deserve the door being opened for me? Never in the history of automobiles have I seen the driver's door opened for them unless they're a lonely old sap whose only friends were the Benjies in his pocket. I wasn't that sap. This was the driver's door. This here is me being ushered to it. I'm at a loss for words. She congratulates me on the way in. I don't know what to think at this point. Is this a blooper real? Is something bad about to befall me? This felt too good to be true. Wait, it was too good to be true. She just called me an angel. She's the angel. I mean, she's the winged one of the both of us. I'm an angel. I am. I lost it. I broke down. If she could let her guard down in front of me, the least I could do was allow myself be vulnerable in her presence.

I waited for a sad ending. I waited for her to recant her statement. I waited for a retort. Really, I did. Instead, she reinforced in me that I was an angel in her eyes. This wasn't supposed to crush me. It did. I didn't like feeling the way I did. I run away from my feelings, it's what I do. I lick my own wounds after I self inflict them on myself. This is who I have become. I'm fucking good at it too. Being in this new space makes me feel weak. I don't like it here. I don't. Not one bit. This was just a scratch of the surface and here I was breaking down. I was past the barriers of my mental capacity and I knew nothing about this new place. How did I get here? I'm so out of my depth, out of my element. I wasn't looking for you, but you found me given the angel you are. I was alone. I knew how to deal, how to cope. How do I let all this go when this is all I know? "I- I- I- I'm sorry Lulu. I have to go. I- I have to." I said walking away from her as she pleaded with me to come back. "I'm fucking scared Lulu. Fucking scared. I'm naked. I'm afraid. I haven't got a clue what to do with myself. I feel the most inadequate I have. I don't know how to process feeling anything but pain. I don't know how to process an emotion that isn't vain. I'm having a fucking panic attack. Let me go. I'll talk to you later. YOU CAN'T FUCKING SEE ME LIKE THIS LULU. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR MAN. THIS IS NOT HOW YOUR MAN SHOULD BE. I SHOULD BE STRONG FOR YOU. I SHOULD BE YOUR ROCK." I screamed on my way away from where she was.

I ran. I ran like a fucking coward so far the fuck away. The pressure piled on me by myself and society was too high. I couldn't take it. My pain was my only friend. He was there with me through everything. Every fucking literal thing, he was there for. I was losing him today and I couldn't handle it. I lost my mind.

Creative support: justglomie